MLP Mass Effect Parody
by The Nerd Who Wrote
Summary: The story of the Mass Effect trilogy, told from a universe ruled by sapient horses. Yeah.
1. Chapter 1

******DISCLAIMER: The author of this writing does not own My Little Pony or any affiliated trademarks. This work is a fan-created non-profit writing, and the author has recieved no compensation, monetary or otherwise, from its creation or distribution.**

**Hello, everyone, and welcome yet again to a story that is going to take way too long to move. Something horrible happened to me yesterday, namely that I woke up and realised that I was a brony. Have pity on me, and if you are not a brony, RUN NOW. I was trolling DeviantArt yesterday, and came across a handful of images that got my creative juices flowing. Namely, I came across some shots of a ponifyed Mass Effect, and I thought 'What the hell, might as well write a story about it.' So, here's what I threw together so far. Hope those of you who don't hate ponies like it, and I really have nothing else to say, except "Aw, crap. I'm a brony now."**

"Well," Ambassador Mare said, moving to the next file, "what about Sparkle? Born on Equestria, but no record of her family."

"Doesn't have one." Captain Celestia responded. "She was raised on the streets, learned to look after herself."

"She saw her whole unit die on Akuze." Admiral Gilda interjected from the other end of the table. "She could have some serious emotional scars."

"Every soldier has scars." Celestia riposted. "Sparkle's a survivor."

"Is that the kind of pony we want protecting the galaxy?" Mare asked.

"That's the only kind of pony that can protect the galaxy."

Ambassador Mare nodded. "I'll make the call."

_In the year 2148, explorers on the moon of Equestria discovered the remains of an ancient spacefaring civilization. In the decades that followed, these mysterious artifacts revealed startling new technologies, enabling travel to the furthest stars. The basis for this incredible technology was a force that controlled the very fabric of space and time._

_They called it the greatest discovery in Equestrian history._

_The civilizations of the galaxy call it…_

**PONY EFFECT**

The ESV Horsandy cut its way through the darkness of space, her crew bustling along, happily doing their jobs to bring this brand-new ship out on her maiden voyage.

"The Cloudsdale relay is in range," came the call from the cocpit, given over the intercomm for all to hear, "beginning transmission sequence."

Hooves flew over holographic keyboards as ponies scrambled to prepare the vessel for her first faster-than-light jump. "We are connected. Calculating transit mass and destination."

A single pony strode out of the door from the crew deck, and made her way through the Combat Information Center, towards the stairway that led to the room at the bow of the ship where the helm was located. "The relay is hot. Aquiring approach vector. All stations secure for transit."

The pony made her way to the cocpit, standing behind a colt, who in turn was standing behind the pilot's seat itself as the helsmare guided the ship towards the relay. "Board is green, approach run has begun."

The Horsandy was now in visual range of the relay, a massive, sweeping structure with two prongs extending past a glowing core, surrounded by a pair of spinning rings.

"Hitting the relay in three… two… one…"

A bolt of energy surged from the core of the relay, striking the Horsandy, charging it with raw power, and hurtling it away at speeds exceeding that of light.

"Thrusters," said the helmsmare "check. Navigation, check. Internal emissions sink engaged, all systems online. Drift…" Rainbow Dash grinned, "just under 1500K."

"Fifteen hundred is good." Commented the colt behind Rainbow Dash, "Your captain will be pleased." He turned and left the cocpit, heading aft.

"I hate that guy." Rainbow Dash muttered.

"Neighrus gave you a compliment." Said Lieutenant Rarity, the ship's second officer, from the seat beside the helmsmare, "So you hate him."

"You remember to zip up your jumpsuit on the way out of the bathroom, that's good." Rainbow Dash retorted, not noticing a purple-haired unicorn striding up behind him. "I just jumped us halfway across the galaxy and hit a target the size of a pinhead. So that's awesome! Besides, Riders are trouble. I don't like having him onboard. Call me paranoid."

"You're paranoid." Rarity told her. "The council helped fund this project, they have the right to keep an eye on this beautiful ship."

"Yeah, that's the offical story. But only an idiot believes the offical story."

"That's enough," Commander Twilight Sparkle interrupted, revealing her presence to the others, "You're soldiers; act like it."

"Huh? Oh, uh, sorry, Commander." Rarity apologised. Then the commlink opened up, and Captain Celestia's voice came from the bridge speakers.

"Rainbow, status report."

"Just cleared the relay, Captain." Dash complied, "Stealth systems engaged, everything looks awesome."

"Good. Find a comm buoy and link us into the network. I want reports relayed back to Alliance brass _before_ we reach Phillydelphia."

"Aye, aye, ma'am. Better brace yourself, I think Neighlus is headed your way."

"He's already here, Lieutenant. Tell Commander Sparkle to meet me in the comm room for a debriefing." The transmission cut out.

"You get that commander?"

"I'm on my way." Twilight said, turning to the corridor leading back to the CIC

When she was out of earshot, Dash snorted. "Is it me, or does the Captain always sound a little angry?" she asked Rarity.

"Only when she's talking to you, Dash."


	2. Chapter 2

**********DISCLAIMER: The author of this writing does not own My Little Pony or any affiliated trademarks. This work is a fan-created non-profit writing, and the author has recieved no compensation, monetary or otherwise, from its creation or distribution.**

**I'm back, and still wondering why the hell I'm a brony. So that means I'm still writing this, in the hopes that the transition is easier. I already said that, didn't I? Anyway, in the event that any of you are wondering, I am running a Mass Effect game and transcribing it into ponies. (Female/Adept/Earthborn/Sole Survivor/Sniper bonus talent)**

**For the record, I do have a mental explanation for the lack of sense this will probably make, but I'm too lazy to type it out. Really the whole reason I'm doing this is just because I was curious about how Twilight's personality would fit into Mass Effect and all the galaxy-effecting decisions you make in it. Ah, whatever, game time! Guess which pony get which role! (And yes, I do intend to do the whole trilogy.)**

"I'm telling you, I just saw him." Twilight Sparkle heard the ship's navigator say into a computer terminal as she made her way through the CIC. "He marched by like he was on a mission."

"He's a rider. They're always on a mission." That was the engineer.

"And we're getting dragged right along with him."

"Relax, Pressly, you're going to give yourself a bellyache."

Pressly turned to see Twilight standing behind her. An aging, gray-coated mare with a map-shaped cutie mark, she saluted when she realized who she was facing. "Congratulations, Commander, looks like we had a smooth run. You heading down to see the Captain?"

"Sounds like you don't trust our Everfree guest." Twilight stated, cutting past the pleasantries.

"Sorry, Commander, just having a chat with Adams down in engineering. Didn't mean to cause any trouble. But you have to admit, there's something odd about this mission. The whole crew feels it."

That piqued Sparkle's interest, "You think the brass is holding out on us?"

"If all we're supposed to do is test out the stealth system, then why is Captain Celestia in charge? And then there's Neighlus. Riders are elite operatives. Top covert agents. Why send a rider, an Everfree rider, on a shakedown run? It doesn't add up."

Sparkle had to admit, it was odd. She nodded. "I'll see if I can get some answers when I see him."

Twilight continued on to the back of the CIC, where she found Corporal Derpy Hooves speaking with the ship's doctor.

"I grew up on Phillydelphia, doc. It's not the kind of place riders visit. There's something Neighlus isn't telling us about this mission."

"That's crazy." The doctor responded, "The captain's in charge here. She wouldn't take orders from a rider."

Hooves noticed Twilight approaching, and saluted her. "What do you think, Commander? We won't be staying on Phillydelphia too long, will we? I want to see some real action!"

"I hope you're kidding, Corporal. Your 'real action' usually ends up with me stitching your squadmates back together."

"Only a fool goes looking for a fight, Corporal." Twilight chimed in, supporting the doctor.

"I know, Commander. But I've never been on a mission like this before, not with a rider onboard!"

"Just do your job, follow your orders, and there won't be any problems."

"But this is my big chance! I need to show the brass what I can do!"

Twilight stared the young soldier right in the eyes as she said "This isn't about personal glory, Corporal. Don't do anything stupid to mess this mission up."

Derpy looked down slightly. "Yes, sorry ma'am. I won't screw this up."

Twilight passed the two by, making her way through a door, and into the comm room. A large, antechamber-esque room, it was empty except for Neighlus, who turned away from a holographic image of the surface of Phillydelphia when she entered. He was tall for a pony, with wheat-colored hair, and a cutie mark in the shape of a

"Ah, commander Sparkle. I was hoping you'd get here first. It will give us a chance to talk."

Twilight was immediately on edge. She didn't trust this one. Well, there were very few she did trust, but there was something about this rider that made her more wary than usual. "Talk about what?"

"I'm interested in this world we're going to. Phillydelphia. I've heard it's quite beautiful."

"I'm a marine," Twilight snapped, "not some tourist."

"But it's more than just a tourist destination, isn't it? Phillydelphia is a symbol of your people. A perfect little world on the edges of your territory. Proof that Equestria can not only establish colonies across the galaxy, but also protect them." He turned back to the screen. "But how safe is it, really?"

"Are you trying to scare me, rider?" Twilight asked, taking a step closer.

"Your people are still newcomers, Sparkle," Neighlus turned back to face her, "the galaxy can be a very dangerous place. Is the Alliance truly ready for this?"

Twilight turned when she heard the door slide open, and Captain Celestia strode into the room. "I think it's time we told the commander what's really going on."

Neighlus nodded. "This mission is far more than a simple shakedown run."

"I figured there was something you weren't telling us." Twilight replied.

"We're making a covert pickup on Phillydelphia." Celestia explained. "That's why we needed the stealth systems operational."

"I don't like being kept in the dark, Captain." Twilight said, a hint of distaste in her voice.

"I'm sorry, Twilight. But this comes down from the top, strictly need-to-know." Twilight nodded, and the captain continued. "A research team on Phillydelphia unearthed some kind of beacon during an excavation. It was Ponythan."

Now _that_ interested Twilight. The Ponythans were the creators of all technology the current civilizations used. Faster-than-light travel, the mass relays, Canterlot, all of it built by or based off the technology of the Ponythans. As such, Ponythan technology was one of the most valuable assets in the galaxy, a potential gold mine of knowledge for whoever discovered them. "What else can you tell me?"

"This is of the utmost importance, Twilight Sparkle. The last time Equestria made a discovery like this, it jumped our technology forward two hundred years. But Phillydelphia doesn't have the facilities to handle something like this. We need to bring the beacon to Canterlot for proper study."

"Obviously," Chimed in Neighlus, "this goes beyond mere Equestrian interests, Commander. This discovery could affect every body of power in Canterlot space."

"Why didn't we keep the beacon for ourselves?" Twilight asked.

"Equestria doesn't have the best reputation. Some ponies see you as selfish. Too independent, too unpredictable. Even dangerous."

"Sharing the beacon will improve relations with the Council." Celestia added. "Plus, we need their expertise. They know more about the Ponytheans than we do."

"However, the beacon's not the only reason I'm here, Sparkle." Neighlus stated.

"Neighlus wants to see you in action, Twilight. He's here to evaluate you."

"What's going on, Captain?" Twilight asked, curiosity turning back to wariness.

"The Alliance has been pushing for this for a long time. We want a larger role in shaping interstellar policy. We want more say with the Canterlot Council. The riders represent the Council's power and authority. If they accept an Equestrian into their ranks, it will show how far the Alliance has come."

"Not many could have survived what you went through on Akuze. You showed a remarkable will to live: a particularly useful talent. That's why I put your name forward as a candidate for the riders."

"I assume this is good for the Alliance." Twilight stated to Celestia.

"Equestria needs this, Twilight. We're counting on you."

"I need to see your skills for myself, Commander." Neighlus stated. "Phillydelphia will be the first of several missions together."

"You'll be in charge of the ground team. Secure the beacon and get it to the ship ASAP. Neighlus will accompany you to observe the mission."

Twilight nodded. "Just give the word, Captain."

"We should be getting close to Phill-"

"Captain!" Came the voice of Rainbow Dash over the intercom. "We've got a problem!"

"What's wrong?"

"Transmission from Phillydelphia, ma'am. You need to see this."

"Put it on."

Suddenly, the image of the Phillydelphia landscape was replaced with a video stream of battle. Ponies firing weapons at something off to the left of the camera as explosions rocked the recorder. Then a pony knocked over the camera, presumably helmet-mounted, yelling "Get down!" before returning to the fight with her hoof-mounted rifle.

The trio watched the scene unfold in silence, trying to make sense of the chaos unfolding before them. Then the face of a pony was jammed in front of the camera, yelling "We are under attack! Taking heavy casualties! Repeat: heavy casualties! We can't-" an explosion drowned out the rest of the sentence "-eed evac! They came out of nowhere! We need-" Blood splattered on the camera as the speaker fell over, shot through the neck. The camera began swinging around wildly, showing more of the ponies in the troop firing desperately, before a quick glimpse of… something came across the screen, and the camera swung around to where only dirt could be seen. A moment later, the channel dissolved into static.

"Everything cuts out after that." Rainbow Dash reported. "No comm traffic at all. Just goes dead."

"Reverse and hold at 38.5." Celestia ordered.

The video skipped back until it returned to the designated time mark. Sitting in the middle of the screen was… was it a ship? It was huge, black, and arcing what looked like pink electricity across its body. And whatever it was, it was big, which was never a good thing.

"Status report."

"Seventeen minutes out. No other Alliance ships in the area."

"Take us in, Rainbow Dash, fast and quiet. This mission just got a lot more complicated."


	3. Chapter 3

**********DISCLAIMER: The author of this writing does not own My Little Pony or any affiliated trademarks. This work is a fan-created non-profit writing, and the author has recieved no compensation, monetary or otherwise, from its creation or distribution.**

**I had a few minutes spare and a chapter lying around, so here you go! I see that both my reviews thus far have been by individuals who have not played the Mass Effect games, so I guess I should provide a link to a let's play of this game: watch?**v=dL0vecqeCxE&list=PLA15BDBF7B7E551DF&index=1&feature=plpp_video

**Seriously, if you haven't played Mass Effect, drop this now and go watch that. It will make this story actually make half of a bit of sense.**

**Also: I am too lazy to write in accents. Just read it with an accent.**

"Engaging stealth systems."

The Horsandy began its descent into the atmosphere of Phillydelphia, undetectable to sensors. Quickly diving through the upper atmosphere, she settled into a low, terrain-hugging cruise, the better to hide from visual detection as well. "Somepony was doing some serious digging here."

"Your team is the muscle of this operation, Twilight." Celestia briefed Commander Sparkle in the cargo bay of the Horsandy. "Go in heavy, and head straight for the dig site."

"What if there are survivors down there, Captain?" Rarity asked from behind Twilight.

"Helping survivors is a secondary objective. The beacon's your top priority!"

"Closing in on drop point one." Dash reported from the cockpit as the cargo bay door swung open.

Derpy Hooves glanced to the other side of the cargo bay, and noticed another figure in the bay. "Neighlus, you're coming with us?"

Neighlus checked his weapons one last time before replying "I move faster on my own." With little ceremony, he descended the ramp, and jumped the few feet to the soil of Phillydelphia.

"Neighlus will scout ahead. He'll feed you reports throughout the mission. Otherwise, I want radio silence."

"Understood, ma'am."

"Good luck, Twilight!"

"Approaching drop point two."

The Horsandy came to a halt, and the trio ran down the cargo ramp before the ship took off again, racing away from any anti-air defenses that might have seen her.

"This place got hit hard, Commander." Came Neighlus' voice over their headseat radios. "Hostiles everywhere. Keep your guard up."

Twilight kept radio silence, and signaled the squad to draw their weapons. The standard Alliance combat armor was capable of holding four weapons, designed to attach themselves to the user's hoof when placed on the weapon. It was standard practice to carry all four types of weapon used by Alliance infantry; assault and sniper rifles, a shotgun and a pistol, but Twilight had only received significant training in pistols, plus a working knowledge of sniper rifles. Her magical abilities had consumed most of her training.

They journeyed from the drop point, heading towards the spaceport. Off in the distance, they could hear the sounds of gunfire, and occasionally the streak of an errant shot lancing into the sky. It wasn't long until they found their first signs of the battle: a pair of pony corpses, burnt by the look of it. "What happened here?" Derpy asked nopony in particular, worry starting to enter her voice.

"Steady." Twilight said, and led them on.

Two more bodies lay in the grass as they continued along, soon finding a trail running by a sheer drop. Twilight immediately disliked the look of it. Exposed area, surrounded by high ground with cover. It was the perfect spot for an ambush. Silently, she brought them to a halt, and after surveying the area for a second, signaled Derpy to scout out the area. Derpy moved forward, rifle at the ready, scanning the area above the depression for hostiles.

They heard them before they saw them. Or more precisely, they heard gunfire before the two small, flying, robotic attack drones flew out of the treeline, peppering Derpy Hooves with rounds. Derpy cried out and collapsed, and Twilight and Rarity sprung into action. Twilight unleashed a bolt of magic from her horn, tearing one of the attackers apart, while Rarity's pistol tore into the other, detonating it. The attackers down, they moved to check Derpy's condition.

She lay on her side in the dirt, eyes staring off into infinity, dull and empty. "Tore right through her shields." Rarity commented, closing the corporal's eyes. "She never stood a chance."

It was never enjoyable, having a squadmate die, but Twilight had long since learned not to become bogged down with emotion when there was a job to be done. "Marines die sometimes. The rest of us just have to keep moving on. We still need to find that beacon."

"Aye, aye, Commander." Rarity responded, and they made their way up the hill, leaving behind their fallen comrade.

Another trio of attack drones awaited them atop the ridgeline, but were swiftly dealt with by a barrage of pistol fire.

"I've got some burned-out buildings here, Sparkle." Neighlus reported in. "A lot of bodies. I'm going to check it out, and I'll try to meet up with you at the dig site."

Another three drones attacked and were defeated, and the pair found themselves overlooking a valley littered with rocks, winding between two cliffs. Only about twice the height of a pony, the cliffs would nonetheless be a significant terrain advantage to anypony who tried to take a potshot at them. That was when they noticed that the sound of gunfire had returned. They hadn't noticed it fade away, but its return was a sharp contrast to the silence before. As they watched, a light orange filly in Alliance armor bolted out of the valley and ducked behind a rock formation, pursued by two… things. They were ponylike in appearance, but mechanical. Their bodies were slimmer, and textured almost like muscle, while their head was little more than a hood over a light, at the same time creating a figure that was obviously mechanical and appeared almost organic. Twilight observed the machine through the scope of the sniper rifle she had drawn at the sight of the running horse, and twitched her hoof, sending a miniscule shard of metal tearing into it, knocking it to the ground. She switched targets and fired again, dropping the other.

Both targets down, they approached the filly, who saluted upon noticing the rank emblem on Twilight's uniform. "Thanks, Commander," she said, betraying her country accent, "I didn't think I was gonna make it."

"Who are you?" Rarity asked, holstering her weapon.

"Gunnery chief Applejack, 212th Infantry." She replied matter-of-factly. "You the one in charge here, ma'am?" She asked Twilight.

"Give me a report, Chief." Twilight ordered, suddenly recognizing the chief from the distress call, the one who had knocked the cameramare down.

She sighed. "We- we were patrollin' the perimeter when the attack hit. We tried to get off a distress call, but they cut off our comms. I've been fighting for my life ever since."

"Where's the rest of your squad?" Twilight asked. If they could cobble together a fire team, their odds of success would be much better in the face of more resistance.

"We tried to fall back to the beacon, but we walked right into an ambush. I don't think the others… I think I'm the only one left."

Twilight nodded. It was a little disappointing, but such were the realities of war. "Do you know what we're facing?"

"I, ah, I think they're grains."

"But the grain haven't left the range in two hundred years." Rarity observed. "Why are they here now?"

Applejack shrugged. "They must've come here for the beacon. The dig site's close, just through that trench. It might still be there."

"Take us there." Twilight ordered.

"Yes, ma'am. It's time for some payback."

The trench was short, and no grains attacked them. Quickly, they found themselves at the outskirts of the dig site, a circle of stonework with a pair of pillars rising a short distance up. Twilight again brought her rifle to bear, and between the three of them, the four grains in the ruin were quickly eliminated. Resistance eliminated, they moved into the ruin, where they immediately noticed the grotesque display that was presumably a recent addition. Four giant mechanical spikes rose from posts on the ground, each one bearing an impaled pony hanging limp upon it. The copses were desiccated, drained of bodily fluids, giving the impression that they had been there for weeks, but that was clearly not the case. The spikes must have somehow dried out the victims, sucked out their bodily fluids.

"What in tarnation is this supposed to be?" Applejack demanded, disgusted at the sight.

"I say it's absolutely horrid!" Rarity agreed, looking away.

"Beacon." Twilight brought their attention back to the objective. Or rather, that there was nothing that looked like the objective nearby.

"It was right here this mornin'. It must have been moved."

"By who?" Rarity asked. "Our side or the grains?"

"I dunno. Maybe if there's anypony at the research camp, we can ask them."

"Let's get moving." Twilight stated, not wanting to waste precious seconds that could mean the difference between victory and defeat. "Where's the camp?"

"Just up this ridge."

They set out, and Neighlus' voice entered Twilight's helmet again. "Change of plans, Sparkle. There's a small spaceport ahead. I'm going to check it out. I'll wait for you there."

Once again maintaining silence, Twilight led them up the dirt ramp and out of the pit dug by the excavation teams. Once out, they found themselves amidst what was left of what must have once been the research camp. It was a scattering of prefabricated buildings, most of them burning or reduced to rubble. A scattering of the giant spikes, ponies and all, left no doubt as to who was responsible.

As they cautiously made their way through the rubble, the sound of metal scraping against metal drew their attention, and they watched as the spikes shrank, folding down into their bases, and leaving the dried corpses of their victims resting against them. But these were not merely dried-out bodies of ponies. Some sort of circuitry ran through them, and glowing lights stood out across their bodies.

Then they moved.

"They're still alive!" Rarity cried out, panic in her voice.

"What'id the grains do to 'em?" Applejack asked, not expecting an answer.

"Open fire!" Was Twilight's addition to the conversation, and open fire they did, Twilight and Rarity blasting the abominations with magic while Applejack unleashed prolonged bursts of fire from her rifle. A few seconds later, it was all over. The husks of what had once been ponies lay scattered in the dirt.

"Now we know what the spikes are for." Rarity commented bleakly. "Turning our own dead against us."

"Stay calm. Check the buildings."

Only two of the buildings were still intact, one empty, the other sealed up with the door locked. Fortunately, Rarity had some training in getting past such electronic defenses, and the door was swiftly opened. They entered the one-room building, and found a mare and a colt hiding inside.

"Ponies!" The mare proclaimed, "Thank heaven!"

"Quickly!" The Colt hissed, "Close the door! Before they come back!"

"How did you end up in this shed?" Twilight asked. Maybe now she could finally start getting some answers.

"We hid in here when the attack came." The mare replied. "They must have come for the beacon. Fortunately, it wasn't here. We shipped it off the spaceport earlier today. We stayed behind to pack up the camp. When the attack came, the marines held them off for us to hide." She paused. "They gave their lives to save ours."

"Nopony is saved!" The colt interjected. "Our age is ended! Soon only ruin and corpses will remain!"

"What's wrong with your assistant?" Twilight asked, worried about loose cannons.

"Manewell has a brilliant mind, but he's always been a bit… unstable. Genius and madness are two sides of the same coin."

"Is it madness to see the future? To see the destruction rushing towards us? To understand there is no escape? No hope? No, I am not mad. I'm the only sane one left!"

"Hush, Manewell, go lie down. You'll feel better after your medication kicks in."

Twilight turned to the gunnery chief. "Applejack, take us to the spaceport."

Neighlus snuck across the spaceport's cargo deck, rifle at the ready as he crept towards the movement he had seen. Finally, he was in position, and jumped out of cover to confront the figure striding away from him. He lined up his weapon, and then recognized the figure. "Luna?" He called, surprised.

The dark blue mare, possessed of both wings and a horn turned to him, smiling, "Neighlus."

Neighlus lowered his rifle. "This isn't your mission, Luna. What are you doing here?"

Luna walked past Neighlus, patting him on the shoulder as she went. "The Council thought you could use some help with this one."

Neighlus nodded, gazing off into the skyline. "The situation's bad. I didn't expect the grains to be here."

"Don't worry." Luna said reassuringly, drawing her pistol and pointing it at the back of Neighlus' head.

"I've got it all under control."


End file.
